I contacted an old friend. Someone I hadn’t spoken to in many years, but never quite forgot.

Sometimes he would appear in my head. I’d wonder how his life had been and if things could have been different between us if we’d met under different circumstances or made different decisions.

He replied, and we eventually became friends again.

It’s felt both comfortable and foreign to reconnect. I still know pieces of him, but we’ve both lived lives since we knew each other last. We have had relationships, we have lost and been disappointed, we have changed in ways we could not have foreseen. I’m not only reconnecting with an old friend, but I’m meeting the man he has become.

As our friendship has blossomed, I have begun to wonder about the nature of my feelings for him.

I adore him so much, but I don’t know if it’s love that I’m feeling. Maybe it’s nostalgia, or an emotional attachment, or the comfort of reconnecting with someone who once meant to me. Or maybe it was the weight of an unanswered question, the feeling that something between us was left hanging.

There is a distinction between loving someone and being attracted to the history you have with them. And there’s a distinction between emotional intensity and real compatibility. Just because you are remembered for years doesn’t imply you are meant to be. Just because you are unsure doesn’t mean the sentiments aren’t true.

I’m trying to pay attention to how I feel in the relationship as it is now, if I feel confident enough to be myself, if we can be honest with each other when things get hard, if there is room for both of our emotional needs. I also had to question myself, would I still want him in my life if there was no longer the potential of there being something romantic?