Something I keep thinking about lately is how unfair it is that someone can come into your life, completely mess it up, and then just walk away. Someone can make choices that affect your entire life, leave you dealing with the consequences, and somehow there’s no bill waiting for them at the end of it. There’s no moment where somebody says, “Hey, you caused all of this, now you need to fix it.” They just get to move on, and you’re the one left trying to put everything back together.

Sometimes I just want to say it out loud without somebody telling me to look on the bright side. It was unfair. It really was. I shouldn’t have had to go through half of the things I went through. I shouldn’t have had to lose the things I lost. And I shouldn’t be the one who has to do all of this work now just to feel normal again.

I think people mean well when they tell you to move on. They’ll say things like, “Don’t let them have power over you anymore,” or, “The best revenge is being happy.” And okay, sure. I get it. But sometimes I want to ask them what moving on is actually supposed to look like when the person is gone but the consequences aren’t. You can be completely done with a person and still be dealing with the mess they left behind.

What I wish I could have back is me. The version of me before all of this. The person who trusted herself more. The person who didn’t question every decision. The person who didn’t automatically wonder what could go wrong. I miss the time I lost too. Probably more than anything.

And I hate thinking about that because then I start doing the whole “what if” thing. What if none of this had happened? Where would I be right now? What would my life look like? Would I be further ahead? Would certain people still be in my life? Would I have made different choices? Would I be happier? I know there’s no answer to any of those questions, and I know thinking about them too much just makes me feel worse, but I still think about them.

I think for a long time I was waiting for something to happen that would make everything feel a little more fair. Maybe I wanted karma to show up and do its thing. I don’t know. I just wanted something that made me feel like I wasn’t the only person who had to pay for what happened.

I wish I could tell you I’ve gotten to the point where that doesn’t bother me anymore, but I haven’t. It still bothers me. Some days more than others. There are days when I genuinely don’t care, and then there are days when something small happens and suddenly I’m thinking about all of it again. I’ll remember something I lost or realize another way that experience changed me, and I’m pissed off all over again.

Maybe that’s just part of it. Maybe healing isn’t getting to some magical point where you never think about it again. Maybe you can be doing better and still be angry about what happened. Maybe you can know you’re better off without someone and still hate what they put you through. Maybe you can move forward while still wishing you had never been put in the position of having to rebuild your life in the first place.

I also don’t want to turn this into one of those stories where I say I’m grateful for everything because it made me stronger. I’m not grateful for it. I would have preferred not to need this kind of strength. I would have preferred to keep the money, the relationships, the opportunities, the time, and the parts of myself that I lost along the way. I think it’s okay to admit that. Not everything terrible that happens to us needs to become some beautiful lesson.

So I think that’s where I am right now. Not completely healed. Not completely over it. Not forgiving and forgetting. Just tired of carrying it.

What happened to me was unfair. I can say that now without needing to make it sound nicer than it was. I lost things because of someone else’s choices, and some of those things I will never get back.

I also know I don’t want to lose anything else.