For the longest time, I genuinely thought I would never date again. I didn’t want another relationship. I didn’t want to go through the process of getting to know someone, trusting them, letting them into my life, and hoping they were who they said they were. After everything I had already been through, the idea of doing any of that again sounded exhausting. I had finally gotten to a place where being alone felt safe, and I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to give that up.

I want someone who loves me for me. Not the version of me they want me to become, not the version that makes their life easier, and not just the parts of me they like. I want someone who actually knows me. I want them to know the serious parts of me, the stupid parts, the things I’m proud of, the things I’m insecure about, the things that make me laugh, the things that piss me off, and everything in between. I want to feel like I can completely be myself around someone and know that I’m safe there.

I think safety means more to me now than it ever did before. And I don’t mean boring or predictable. I mean being able to tell someone how I feel without being afraid of how they’re going to react. Being able to disagree without everything turning into something bigger. Being able to trust what someone tells me instead of wondering if there’s something else I don’t know. I want to be able to relax around the person I love. I don’t want love to feel like something I constantly have to figure out.

I want someone who has the same morals as me too. I don’t need someone who agrees with me about every little thing. But when it comes to the things that actually matter like how you treat people, honesty, loyalty, kindness, what you believe is right and wrong, and I want us to understand each other. I want to know that when life gets complicated, we’re coming at it from the same basic place.

And I want someone mature. Someone who can communicate, take responsibility, apologize when they’re wrong, and have the uncomfortable conversations instead of avoiding them. But I also don’t want everything to be so serious all the time. I want someone who can be completely ridiculous with me. Someone I can laugh with until neither of us can breathe. Someone who will make stupid jokes with me, be weird with me, and turn an ordinary Tuesday into a good memory for absolutely no reason.

I want both. I want mature and completely unserious. I want deep conversations and stupid jokes five minutes later. I want someone who knows when something matters and when we can just laugh at life. I don’t think those things have to be opposites.

Mostly, I think I want a relationship where I don’t slowly disappear inside of it. I don’t ever want to lose myself trying to keep someone else. I want to still have my own life, my own interests, my own people, my own opinions, and my own sense of who I am. I want someone who likes those things about me instead of making me feel like I need to become smaller to make the relationship work.

I know finding that kind of person might take time. I also know there are no guarantees. Letting someone really know me means giving them the ability to hurt me. After everything I’ve been through, I don’t know if that fear will ever completely disappear.